June 8, 2010

June 8, 2010

I write tonight as the sun fades once again from me, not in the most enviable of moods. I write tonight with the renewed hardness of this time spent away from the person I love and plan to spend the rest of my life supporting to my fullest capacity. I miss Andrea with a pain so deep in my heart it affects my mind and allows my mind to do little else than think of her. Think of her and wish I could be by her side to comfort her, to share with her the words I have on my mind, to simply sit with her.

Today seemed bright as I awoke to the new day. I was already aware one of my classes had been cancelled due to the fact the ninth class is on some sort of trip. The day even continued like it had began, all my classes behaved moderately well, which is the most I can wish for these days with the sun shining and all the children restless be out of school.

The first lesson of the day went extremely well, it is with a younger girl, she is only 17 years old. Despite her age, her English surpasses many whom I teach. She, however, has very serious anxiety issues, of which I can relate. She has not been able to attend school for the entire year and tells me she wishes never to return. The school, for this year because of her problems difficulties of attending while she feels such anxiety has allowed her to go through this school year working from home. She is one of the brightest young girls I have ever met. I especially enjoy our lessons, we are able to discuss issues and at times we attempt to discuss her anxiety. I am able to relay to her my thoughts and feelings in relation to her own because I have stood in her shoes before. I, too, have dealt with high anxiety. I probably was never at the point where she is, however, the pressure of today’s society is far greater for a teenager. I can see it on a daily basis.

What were once seen as unique and special differences between one person and next have become the oddities of the one person and the point of ridicule for the next. At times I am deeply saddened to see the path of society, our world, may be taking, but I also must, and must never forget, to be optimistic. Just because I have a less than positive view what may become of the children in the next generations to come does not mean I or you, or someone will do something to change it.

I, also, had another lesson with my friend. We just simply sit and chat. Although, our lessons are simple, from the day I first met him I have seen a drastic improvement in his English. I feel a sense of pride in that improvement.
However, my heart will not let my mind drift too far away from Andrea. I spoke with her this evening and she was not in greatest of moods. It crushes me with the weight of a sledgehammer knowing there is little I can do to relieve her anxieties at the moment. She is worried about our future. Not us together, but us carving out a life within this world. The pressures of money and success, whatever one deems to define success as, weighs heavily on her shoulders and I must sit in my quiet apartment alone and wait till the next day when I may her voice sounding cheerful again.
I do know her voice will once again ring happily and I will make sure of that, but tonight I try to contemplate how I will do that as I sit in agony.

Yes, I know I skipped a day, it was a Monday and nothing extraordinary happened. My classes were good, my lessons went well, and when I spoke with Andrea she had nothing but high hopes for our move to Chicago, but today that is gone and to go back to try to write like today didn’t happen would be impossible for me. So, I hope you will forgive my lack of detail, but it probably would have been an entry drier than beef jerky if I had tried to write it tonight before I wrote what had actually happened today.